Marauder's Host Club
by Harkness of Darkness
Summary: Gilderoy Lockhart wants to create a host club for Hogwarts. Who else could he choose than Remus, Sirius, and James? And a few others... Warnings: Crack!Lockhart
1. Host Club

**Disclaimer:  
Snape: "Those crazy writers don't own Harry Potter. Thank heavens."**

Gilderoy Lockhart found himself to be bored. Never a good idea, a bored Gilderoy. He needed something to do with his talents and his exceptional beauty. So, he figured he would make a Host Club.**  
**There were no good-looking men in Ravenclaw, outside of him. Most were a total bore, as they cared more about their studies than their looks. Gilderoy always believed they should be in equal portions. There was no point in going to Hufflepuff, and the Slytherins would want some previously-set examples before they joined. So, he went to visit Gryffindor.****

It was very difficult, trying to enter the Gryffindor common room without knowing the password. He attempted to obliviate the portrait's lady, but apparently portraits are unaffected by spells. He used his brilliant mind to logically deduct the password after grueling hours (it was about 10 minutes - the lady got tired of him guessing and just let him in with a warning that if she found him doing anything suspicious he would be chucked out by the ear). ****

The Gryffindors watched him with awe as he strode proudly into their common room. There were five boys and girls lounging around, studying cheerfully to improve their scholarly abilities. Gilderoy quickly made the assessment of who he needed for his Host Club and who...well, who he didn't. "Your nose is too wide, my dear. And your hair is a rather unseemly, lad. And neither of you two are thin enough, I'm sorry. You can leave," he dismissed them carelessly. They must have been confused, for none of the four left their seats. The girl must have misunderstood him; she started crying!****

"You bloody jerk! I don't care what you call me, but Vanessa's a good girl!" Gilderoy assumed he was Vanessa's boyfriend when the boy's fist made contact with his cheek. The other two left finally – after more convincing and a perfect smile – and Gilderoy focused his attention on the remaining student, who, miraculously, hadn't left. Gilderoy assumed it was because he was so completely enamored with him, and actually understood what the other students had not. Gilderoy knew he was right in his decisions; only the most beautiful and the most intelligent of students would be the ones he would pick to be a part of his host club! In fact, the one had chosen was one he personally knew.****

Remus Lupin was sitting on a couch with a book open and a long piece of parchment, he was writing and eating chocolate. The Ravenclaw wasn't sure what but he knew that Remus was the one he needed to talk to. He slicked his hair back with his hand and put on his most charming smile. "Hello, Remus," the blonde said slyly. ****

"So, Lockhart, what are you doing here?" Remus was shocked to see the annoying Ravenclaw in the Gryffindor common room, yet he didn't show it on his face. He had just been working on a essay for transfiguration and doing his favorite thing on Earth, eating chocolate. He was almost done with the essay but still didn't welcome the interruption. ****

Gilderoy was thrilled to be asked. Even Remus respected him so much! He simply glowed with happiness as he responded, "Remus Lupin!" He began in the most formal and serious way one physically can. "I would like you to be a part of the Hogwarts School's Host Club! It will be fantastic, and your studious nature will be a great addition!" At Remus's look of apathetic confusion, he explained. "The host club's duty will be to make every girl happy! You can't miss out on an opportunity in which girls simply fawn over you!" He seemed to need an exclamation point at the end of every one of his declarative sentences. "So, what do you say?"****

The Gryffindor looked around for a way out. That would be something James and Sirius would be into, he himself could rather care less about making girls happy. Then he started thinking, this had appealed to his logical side. "Alright, on one condition," the Gryffindor paused deciding to finally look at the blonde, "James and Sirius have to join too." ****

Gilderoy beamed. "That was my plan all along," he told Remus, trying to seem cool, calm, and collected, even though he was bursting inside. "I was even thinking having Peter Pettigrew, even though he's not as good looking as the rest of us and his cousin, I think, Frank Longbottom? Are they cousins? I don't know they might be. They seem to be close friends. They sort of look alike too don't you think?" Gilderoy kept babbling about this and that Remus didn't totally pay attention just nodding when he seemed to need to, saying "mhmm". ****

"I don't think they're closely related cousins if they are at all," Remus answered after Gilderoy had stopped babbling. ****

"I knew it!" Gilderoy exclaimed. ****

"So, then I told her that she could anyti... What are you doing here Lockhart?" James and Sirius had entered the common room. James had been describing his latest encounter with the love of his life, Lily Evans, to Sirius. They were coming back from quidditch practice. James had been waiting for Sirius to change out of his quidditch clothing when he had seen Lily. When James had tried to ask her out for the millionth time, she made a disgusted face and a mean comment, he came back with a witty comment about what she had said, she walked away, the usual. ****

"Oh, hello, James, Sirius, I was just telling Remus here an idea that I had and thought that you three may be interested. So I thought I'd just take a stroll over to your... lovely... common room," Gilderoy attempting to arouse the boys interest. ****

"What idea would that be?" James asked scowling. James didn't like Lockhart and didn't like him putting ideas in his friends heads. Even if Remus could think for himself... ****

"Oh," Gilderoy realizing James look of distrust, "just a little group that we could form called a host club. Our duty would be to make every girl happy." ****

"I don't care about making other girls happy, just my Lily..." James face went into a dreamy haze. ****

"Yes, but this could make Lily jealous, and make her fall in love with you if she sees other girls flirting with you." Gilderoy knew his plan would work. He just needed that last little push and he was sure he had it. "I mean that's what I've seen with other girls..."****

"Alright we'll do it," James declared. He and Gilderoy were both excellent in the skill of changing minds suddenly.****

"But, Prongs, do we trust him?" asked Sirius.****

"I'll do anything to get my Lilly to love me," James stated, " I love her more than anything so whatever gets her closer to loving me is what I'll do."****

Gilderoy was thrilled. He was going to have a host club! Not that it was surprising, considering his charm. Still, there is always a feeling of elation when a plan starts to become a success. "Good!" he exclaimed, already forming ideas in his head. "Now, we'll need to meet in the Great Hall this Sunday. This is a good start," he glanced over the crew, "but we'll need a few more to be sure. We'll hold auditions then! I expect you all to be there, my fellow host club members!" With that, he whisked away. Dreams of pretty girls and fun costumes filled his mind. "I'll go talk to Peter and Frank." But he wouldn't be able to talk to them in the common room for it was dinner time and they had to go down to the Great Hall, the other three boys not willing to be seen with Gilderoy. He assumed it was because he intimidated them with his good looks. They had left after he had saying that they would meet him down there. When Gilderoy saw that the other boys were already there. He was confused but brushed it off. ****

"Well, hello Peter, Frank," Gilderoy smiled. The boys were sitting next to each other because Frank had been helping Peter with some homework. Neither of them were very successful. They both looked up at Gilderoy with confused looks on their faces. "I wanted to talk to you both." ****

"Wha' about?" Peter said starting to stuff his face with some sort of cake. It was a normal scene Peter eating some sort of cake while Frank would sit thinking. ****

"Something I've already talked to your friends about. I want to start a host club," he then paused for effect. The two boys stared at him in disbelief. Well, in confusion, but Gilderoy got those two emotions mixed up. ****

"Wha's a hos' c'ub?" Peter asked. Gilderoy somehow knew to expect this question but wanted them to know. ****

"It's a club where we entertain young ladies," Remus butted in. ****

"Wi' I be abea'l' to ea' cake?" ****

"Ummm," Gilderoy thought it would be impolite, but knew it was the only way to get Peter to be in his Host Club. "Sure you can. Just make sure it's not too distracting to the ladies."****

"I won'," Peter grinned widely showing Gilderoy the cake in his teeth. Gilderoy grimaced, starting regret inviting the kid. Still, he needed members, and Peter had the cute thing down.****

"And I want you as well, Frank!" Gilderoy declared, since Frank hadn't said anything so far.****

Frank nodded.****

"You'll offset Peter's "cute" effect with your "strong and silent" demeanor," he continued.****

Frank nodded.****

"Don't you see, Frank? Together, we'll be the greatest club that Hogwarts has ever seen! You must join!" He insisted.****

Frank looked upward for a moment, then back at Gilderoy, his eyes having moved in a circle that Gilderoy interpreted to mean he was debating. He nodded again.****

It was settled. "Then let us go off into the greatness of history, boys! We meet at the Great Hall this Sunday! I will see you then!" He spun on his heels, leaving both them in shock and awe.


	2. It Begins

**Disclaimer: **

**We don't own Harry Potter.**

"**Yeah, because we're in it, and you can't own us!" -grins-**

**That's nice, Sirius.**

Chapter 2

******"**Alright, boys, the rules for hosting are simple," Remus said as he stood in front of the boys. Gilderoy was sitting lackadaisically at the table with his head on his hands, smiling, and thinking to himself. He already knew the basics of hosting, so he felt like he didn't need to pay attention to Remus. James and Sirius were pushing each other slightly this way and that, but not enough to push each other of the bench, even though James was sitting on the end and Sirius could easily push him off. Needless to say, neither were paying attention. Peter was eating cake. Frank was sitting, thinking. ****

**"**You must treat the lady with respect, fawn over her, make her feel like she's one of a kind. Above all else don't hurt her feelings." The last part he looked directly at Sirius and James. They both had a streak of making girls feel almost worthless. ****

**"**Hey, why you lookin' at me, Moony. I've never been mean to a woman in my life," Sirius said defiantly. ****

**"**Yeah, me neither. I treat all girls like queens," James said in the same tone.****

**"**Wha' about that one girl, Sirius..." Peter started before being quite literally jumped on by Sirius.****

**"**You mention that again and I'll..." Sirius said grabbing Peter by the tie. ****

**"**Padfoot, if you don't settle down we'll have to throw you out of the club," Remus started rubbing his temple. **'**_Why,' _he thought to himself. **'**_Why did I pick these guys to be my friends?' _****

**"**Looks like Moony's got a headache. Is it your time of the month, Moony?" James asked playfully, trying to activate Remus's temper.****

**"**No, James, I don't have a headache, and no, it's not my time of the month," Remus clenched his teeth. ****

**"**Oh, sorry, Moony, I know you're sensitive about that subject," Sirius smirked.****

**"**Will you just shut up about my 'time of the month'." He turned to Gilderoy, changing the subject. "I'm assuming you want to be in charge of advertising?"****

Gilderoy looked gleeful. "Of course. It's what I do best." He was already dreaming up ideas, of all the posters to make and announcements in the Great Hall when everyone else was trying to eat. Not to mention all the flirting with random women to get their attention. _So much fun..._****

**"**We'll also need someone to regularly decorate the clubroom." Remus looked around the group, trying to decide who would be best for the job, scrutinizing each member and mentally examining their personal stats.****

Finally, he sighed. "Fine. I'll do it. Moving on, we still need a designated room, just for us. I've been searching, but most teachers won't lend out a classroom for a," he fingered quotations in the air and mimicked a woman's voice rudely, "_harem_. So, we still need to search."****

Frank put his hand up, shaking.****

**"**Yes, Frank?"****

**"**I know of a place. It's - it's called a...room of requirement? I think..." The others stopped and stared at him, and his voice turned into a squeak the further he got through his sentence.****

**"**You...found the room of requirement?!" Remus squawked in wonder.****

James was in awe. "Dude, you're _so _cool." He and Sirius had been looking for it for ages, as a way to hide from creepy teachers and other dangerous situations.


End file.
